A few days ago my heart became very heavy, I have been so saddened that my hardened heart was like a overloaded levy
Like trying to break a cement brick, not even a magician with his best trick,
Christ the maker of all Creation, Beauty and Nation,
I asked numerous times to unload this burden, all the pain and the hurtin,
My selfish act of wanted my desires, and questions answered, I knew by you I would not get pampered.
So I prayed this prayer
I pray that I could be with you and although it isn’t my time I wonder what it is I’m still here for. I know also my role at this time is to be a good steward of my time here. As we learned today in our Bible study this is just our temporary home and we are here to take care of what you have asked of us. But there is something more, I am trying to do my best to care for my family and put them first in all aspects. I realize after being told and have time to ponder on the thought I can’t take care of others if I don’t take care of myself first, (I.E. Give my dinner to my children or wife and sometimes not eat just to make sure they were full), but as I grew up, I felt it was the only way I felt needed, My father was an OTR truck driver, step mother a plant worker, and Mom was either working a restaurant, factory, or other odd jobs, you know the rest. I was told by some that I was nothing but trouble or as my dad said all the beatings kept me out of jail, I was even told by my father when I moved out and in with my now second wife, That I was his piece of machinery, However you and I know it didn’t. The worse thing I did was hit my wife when she was pregnant for out now 13 year old son.By your Grace he is still with us and safe. However I am saddened that however I have never beat my son as I got beat by my father, My harsh tone and sergeant type attitude has made him bitter, towards me.
I just hope I have time to straighten his heart out before and his heart as hard as mine was
The anger I hold and although I see some changes in my life I still hold so much that I can’t even show the pain.Today I finally exposed my true feelings about what I go through when the seizures,and about how I feel like a burden,because I put the family so much trouble, even thing is put on hold hospital, trips for some and other plans have to be put on hold. Again as I expressed my sorrow for what I put the family through with my medical condition, I wanted to cry, but again as usual all I can do is tear for a couple of seconds. I want to feel the happiness and joy again Lord, it is no ones fault but my own, As far as the wonders dads situation I have now clue as to why I continue to help out I have tried to come up with reasons but they have come up unfounded. I have asked you numerous questions and as I have said I will not be pampered by you so I will leaves these Prayers in your hands and await your answers.
In Christ I Pray AMEN