Category Archives: Anger


Hate: a strong word, that describes a feeling towards someone that has done you wrong. It is used so often that people don’t care how much it hurts a person. To most people it feels like being stabbed with a knife. Just as most of you have been told “I Hate You”, I also have been told that numerous times, I have also told other people that, even said it to people that didn’t deserve it. The that I feel should have been told that was my father was never told. Was it out of RESPECT, or was it the fact I was trying to hold onto something I thought was still there.
I have come to the point however that I can’t recall the last time I have actually said that to someone. I Pray that all you parents, friends, children, and and especially the bullies, will learn how much just the simple, lonely word hate can cut the soul of someone deep and this can cause people to do things to do some very serious crimes or worse.
Even though I have many times thought about using it, I just couldn’t even after it has been said to me, which has been to many times, Thank God.

The time it really hurts to the point that you  really get upset and want to do something such as smack the person, go off some place and cry is when it comes from a child, that just got a little scolding for something they did wrong, you try to explain to them what they did wrong, their consequences, and then there comes that three word statement, I HATE YOU, then what do you do. Myself all I do is look at the person I am talking to is say you will see, it may take awhile but what you do to others will come back to haunt you.
Love all , no matter what he does, show them that you will continue to love them no matter what they have done.

I have also told many people that you will say the I hate you to some one, they will take it to heart and that will be the last time you will see him/her until their funeral, if you’re even notified at that time. It is easy to say I am sorry for the harsh words I have said to you, after the person(s) is gone. So with that being let me end with this piece of advice, Please choose your words carefully. Remember the statement, ( If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say nothing.


Overloaded and Cold Shouldered

A new beginning, I have started bible study with my two older children and wife, as we hold two Bible studies daily with my oldest Children as the leaders of the Studies, each one taking a class and teaching it. I thought this song is fitting for this post giving this credit where it is due back to the author of he posted in response to one of my recent posts and I felt compelled to respond. He knows all to well that I have had a ice cold heart when it comes to certain things I don’t show emotions of sorry at funerals. It wasn’t until I heard the songs on this post that all I could do was cry I had held so much pain and anger in my life that after this song[

Now with that being said it also went with the post that softened a heart that was so overloaded as a levy unable to opened yet unable to break, not even the slightest leak or puncture could be applied to it no matter how hard anyone tried. But it took among the a song I posted and the two songs that he posted this

which in itself had a huge impact on the prayer that I had wrote earlier in the day. Needless to say all three songs had finally made me cry so hard that after 15 minutes my eyes were so dry they were red from being blood shot. The next song had another totally different effect on my however it still had a remarkable direct impact towards my hardened heart and struggling life. The rainmaker for me, tear jerker whatever you want to call it. I have told my family that the last time I cried that hard was back in the mid nineties when my wife had just got the computer and was up all night on that, and even then it was about three minutes and that was it. The longest time I cried before this was after my wife had had her hysterectomy, the doctors had given her some patches to help with those mood swings, my daughter

thought that it would be funny to put it in my coffee pot, needless to say my emotions where all over the place crying but yet so mad not knowing why i was crying I was telling everyone to get out of my house and in NOT so nice of words either this was in 2007 I believe. But again that didn’t loosen the hardened heart. If anything I think it hardened it even more I had no clue what happened until the next morning when I went to make another pot of coffee and when I questioned each and every one of the Children I was told by each of them it was me. I knew it had to be one of them and the truth always comes out so I waited, and sure enough, it did slip later that it was my daughter, only to be confirmed by her husband after she got drunk one day and let it slip to him also. Now my son told me that once I did cry it was going to hit me like a brick, believe me I didn’t care how hard it hit, I just wanted it to hit and soon. I couldn’t hold the pain and sadness any more, my shoulders where already about to crush from all the weight being loaded and not unloaded, like a City Plow being loaded with salt or dirt for the icy roads, bucket after bucket being dumped. As I watched the videos It was like that same city plow as it went up and down the city streets spreading the its load to help with the ice, But as I got done with the whole post and hibernated to my room, that bucket had just dumped its’ whole load of salt and as it piled all in one spot I could feel the load on my shoulders getting lighter and lighter and as I sat up I could see the son shine through the window for the first time that day. I had recently been on my mail and seen this posted from one of my gmail friends.


Never looking at it that way, But I also have never looked at it the way many fathers have taught their sons that crying is for babies and for the weak, I have just ( some would say a person with no remorse). Myself I would just have to say I have been holding so much pain and anger that I can’t or wont show emotions. If I did it had to be a very painful situation and those such things haven’t happened as of yet.  All those I dearly Love are still alive.

Who is in contr…

Who is in control, when nothing is going your way, which is my problem right know. I can’t think straight, even as I write this post it is a problem for me to find words. Therefore I know who has control of my life, it is me, it is a struggle for me because I know that deep down I am harboring animosity towards someone or many people. I know I am holding hurt feelings about  that fact that after 26 almost 27 years of taking many different medications numerous neurologists, 1brain surgery which removed 2 1/2 inches of dead brain, and on and off thinking I have learned to live with the fact that I will have epilepsy the rest of my life, Every time I have one, I think why did I even have the surgery in the first place, the only thing the surgery did was get rid of two out of the three different kinds but left me with the worst of them all tonic-clonic seizures AKA grand mal . What a way to bring in the new year but with a grand mal,
Now because of the surgery and still taken medications I have to wait 1 year before I can get my drivers license or go to work. I try to hide the fact that I can’t work by saying every time I hear that another company is going out of business here is Grand Rapids or surrounding cities, by saying what new and how many more will be going out soon, or the amount of jobs that just come in doesn’t compare to the one that just closed, but my family wasn’t, as the old saying goes ” BORN YESTERDAY” know that I really want to go back to work even with a bad back. Boredom is getting the best of me. I was always one to walk long distances, walk to the local drug store or grocery two three times a week 2 miles round trip, Until 1day I  had an attack while walking to the grocery store myself. I would always tell my wife when I walked to these places don’t worry I will be fine, because she would constantly worry that I would go down while I was out. I must and will get back to that way, Giving my worries and burdens to the Lords is what I must DO.


Anger Issues:

As I talked to my oldest son today, he has pointed something out to me. Now that I have had a short time to think about it both as he talked to me and after we have talked, I have found that deep down, I do feel some anger towards some people other than those posted in prior post (MY FATHER). I feel bad and upset that it took me time and a word from my son to point these issues out to me, but as I had said he is a SON OF MUCH KNOWLEDGE. I am not sure if I pointed this last quote out in that post but it is true about him, he has been through some of these things, and we have passed knowledge on to each other. He told me that he can see these anger issues through conversations when we talk about certain people from my own family I tend to get upset and raise my voice. He also told me that in some ways he sees my post about my dad that I am trying to make things right and my dad might be trying to play the father roll to make me feel good. I told him it is a possibility but I may never know because, (as I write this sentence) my father may never be truthful to me as he was with the abuse until I was 17 when he finally told my why I received all the abuse, and I admit I do hold anger towards my sister, for her lies that got me that abuse, my step mother for not opening her eyes, to see it was her children who was stealing the money and or just plain lying, and my father for just using me as basically a punching bag instead of verbally trying to get his wife to believe that it wasn’t me. As I write this I fell ashamed that it took this many years and numerous talks with my oldest son to let these feelings out. As I have posted your closest friends are in your family, so start looking, and in the post MY FATHER, points out things that he has been through in his life that I can use in my life, in both aspects I look for, I get advice from both my oldest son and my father, and sometimes neither one of them know it. Sometimes one of them will catch it, as I know my son will when he reads this post. In a way I look towards my son as both a son of much knowledge, and a son of guidance, it may take time for me to follow his words of guidance, but sooner or later I do. I just pray that the day doesn’t come when I should have his guidance before it was to late for me to account for my actions, As I was saying above about myself may never knowing if my dad was just trying to play the father roll, he may be truthful,if that is the case to tell me on his death bed, as we all know, there are alot of things come out of people to others that they would not expect when a loved is going to be passing, but with that being said, somethings will die with them also and people will never know. Some people look for guidance from a counselor, I don’t need to look to far because I have my oldest son to help in that department, although he doesn’t know it but soon will, after reading this he has given me alot of guidance and direction in a way he will never know and I will have a very hard time to explain,But I will always thank him. so I can only hope that these few words can explain how important and how much I look for his direction and guidance. With that being said I must say sometimes he is a little hard on me, (which I must be honest makes me angry at that time) (I hold it in) because as always after having time to settle down, I look back see where he is coming from, and I know that sometimes he gets frustrated about certain things in reguards to the direction or guidance he sends my way but it sometimes takes me time to comprehend or grasp the things he is trying to say, that is one reason why it took me so long to face the realization, that I still held anger towards others from my past. With all this being said about my oldest son I will also like to add a note that there is also going to be an update in the post A SON WITH MUCH KNOWLEDGE:
The end