Category Archives: Christian views

The Love of a spouse

There are many people who have been together for many years whether it is a long term relationship or a marriage. My first marriage lasted three  years, don’t get me wrong it started out great, however it started to crash after about the second year. Going into the third year the I left for a while because we soon had things that we didn’t agree on after awhile, I soon realized   that I needed to go home and try to give it another chance we soon moved that house to a place downtown then money situations started to get in the way, she started to ask her mother for money and when I asked her where she got it she would lie about it, then it came to stealing  money for drugs. I soon left the whole situation for good. After awhile I found a lady that I am still with to this day. It is funny how the whole relationship started. My now wife met my mom first then my mom called me to ask for my assistance in helping her move in with my now wife.
When I got over to the house to help her load up the car, the first thing I said to Pam (wife), was my mom don’t need to live with you she needs to be in a place of her own and I was very boisterous when I said this. I soon found out that she didn’t live very far from me, so I would go down to her house to see my mom, and her of course. There were times I would walk in and tell Pam she looked like (crap) replacing it with the more harsher word), however I was actually telling her she looked Beautiful. trying to hide the fact that I was falling in love with her. I could see she was suffering from pain in the legs by the way she walked, but I didn’t know the extent of her medical problems, which didn’t matter to me. Well unbeknownst to me she was also falling in love with me. Then one night we where sitting on the from porch having a few mixed drinks, and some beers, and because I was feeling the effects of the alcohol  and she said why don’t you stay the night.

I gladly excepted, I was going to sleep on the couch but she said no you can sleep in my bed and that’s when I realized she had feelings for me. Now we know what could happen when this case arises, however, I told her we can’t do this because before this does go that for we need to be clear headed.

Now from previous post you all know that she had two children from a previous marriage, It was very strange because her oldest son was just 6 years my Jr, and soon he started to get to know me. Then she also had a daughter  and one thing I told all of them also their father was, I will never try to replace you, you are welcome here to see your children any time you would like.  Now for a long time it was very touchy, not knowing what to do, what was to come. Her son was always gone, her daughter was gone to her aunts from her fathers side. But my father soon said your taking my piece of machinery, my stepmother said then you can deal with his seizures, Pam gladly said I will. I packed my things that I could in her car and left, went back to her house and had a few more drinks on the front porch.  After awhile she went to lay down I was still listening to cassette tapes so I put a tape in my walkman continued to finish my drink and listen to music. Back then I wouldn’t be caught with out some music playing, now my cassettes are gone but the disc man still runs instead of mp3 players and my oldest son say when are you  going to switch to mp3 disc mans are long gone. I said I probably  won’t, I have to much money invest in CDS to waste the cases are gone so selling them aren’t an option. However as they get scratched I will through them away and not replace them.
Now we just celebrated our 20th anniversary the 13th of this month, when we got married it was on a friday, and many people thought that we wouldn’t last more than six months, I am sure that people in the family were even making bets on it.

Now as I continue with my wife it is a love I can’t deny. We have had are issues and our fights, we have had our spats over money but only because I will take between 7 to 9 dollars for a pack of non- filtered smokes, and sometimes I will get upset because she will want to check the checks to make sure that they are wrote out right and the account numbers are correct,  I still call her if I am out to find out if Ii have enough in my account to get a cup of coffee or smokes if I need them. The biggest problem with most people and finances is people want things they cant have so they use money they don’t have or they take money from their spouse without their knowledge and when the spouse finds out they also find out sooner or later they have taken it for something they shouldn’t have, (drugs, gambling, online porn, you have one person who is so controlling with the money that  if you spend an extra dollar on something you shouldn’t have ie a candy bar for yourself or your child, ect.). My wife and I have enough to live comfortably, any we live with what we have, if I get called to help someone with a car situation and I can do it I will help and I just take what they offer, unless I have set a price for certain jobs. If I feel like just helping people out, I will tell them your problem has been taken care of you can be on your way or I am going home now, and there is no charge.  When I have a doctors appt downtown I will stop and get a coffee and buy someone something and my wife knows about it she don’t say anything.  It is a sad situation because most of the divorces are caused by this, and also due to the fact that or jobs have closed and moved south, alot of them that move will open in the south under a different name so they can hide the fact that they just moved like the Life Savers candy company moved south because it was cheaper for sugar. However if people had a better outlook and focused their lives on Christ, their needs would be taken care of. Honestly I haven’t focused my life totally on Christ, but I can say this with my wife, we have been very comfortable with our financial status. We love each other, we care  about each other and our children are as will no matter how old they are.


Many People or One

It has always been said that many people can do many things that’s true, but one person can also do many things. It may take longer to accomplish than with many people but it can be done The difference is as you finish on task you can go onto a more menial task and accomplish one or two of the those, relax for awhile even a day then continue. Start the next day with a couple of small tasks and move to a more time consuming task.

Here I am writing this post and as I do I think of the many things I could do, things that would take time by myself, things that I need to do by myself because it is something I must do myself and then there is the fact that I just wont ask because they are so menial there is no need for help. Sometimes I just don’t ask for help because I can move faster when I am by myself and I don’t have to worry about having someone in the way. But I have been getting to lax in my duties and need to get back into my roll as a husband, father, and homeowner. I do my own painting when needed because if a mess is made it gets picked up right then and I can’t blame anyone for the job isn’t done right. I do most of the repairs on my vehicles if i can, and yes I even do the house cleaning, laundry, dishes ect.

I also do the the tasks of a man such as repairs that need to be done within the home, vehicle and alike within my capabilities which I love and live to do. There is nothing more that I look forward than repairs. Yes sometimes I get overwhelmed, with all that needs to be done especially when to many things compile at once like a wall needs to be painted, a drain backs up due to tree roots growing through the sewer pipes out at the road so then I have to get the painting all the while try to keep what I can with the sewer until I can get a plumber out to take care of the drain, and that could be a problem in itself when itself when it happens on the weekend which it used to.

There is always one thing that stands beside me and everyone else has, if alot of people  would look for. Most would know where this is going and sure I am no stranger to this but yes I haven’t been following this path however my goal is to strive and working on this path is getting there.

Triads is a group that has been formed and  in session for years at church that we attend and my son author  of has invited me to attend as well as getting a word in every so often if not every day to read my Bible daily, a gift from him and his wife  to help me to reach this goal.   I am not saying that I can’t rely on God, I know He is there and will help me when I struggle, but I also know that He will let me struggle awhile to see if I can figure it out on my own. But as every one who knows God will not give you more than you can handle.

If one person can’t do it because it is a project made for two or more than you need to find more, as many as you need however you still will need some help from the One and Only that is above all else. No one can see Him, but he is there, and even though you think you are doing it all yourself, your not.

Lets go back and look at it from the sidelines

If it weren’t for God

1. You wouldn’t be here to do the job yourself if possibly
2. You wouldn’t have the friends to help you couldn’t
3. You wouldn’t have the materials or tools needed

Break it all down God design us all without Him we are nothing, With Him we are everything.
So do all thing in the Name and for The Glory of God!


As I had to revise a comment in a previous poem posted on DA
Titled A Friend to the End

I said that God  couldn’t get you out of jail, however people may look at it that he just kept me from going to jail,but I see it that he got me out off jail because it was my as the Monopoly Card Says get out of Jail free. This may be a long post but it goes to show how stupid a stupid act can be saved by a Great Friend

The story goes I was fifteen at the time and with one of my uncles on my moms side, we had gone to the store and picked up some beer. Needless to because I was a minor I waited outside when he came out we had gone back to another uncles house and we drank the beer when that was all gone I had gone to the bank because I had money saved up and withdrew just enough to get another case and gave it to my uncle. We continued back to the store to pick up another case and I had told my uncle to hold on I ran back to the back and withdrew another twenty five dollars and told him to get him and I a pack of cigarettes as well. After returning back to the house to drink the other case. We had just about finished when we decided to get stupid and went through the house breaking anything that would break tipping over things, we had  tore the bathtub from it’s foundation and the bathroom sink off the wall. I had taken my hand and in a chopping motion I had sliced all three glass shelves out off the medicine cabinet after which pulling the cabinet off the wall. 

 Moving to the kitchen we had toppled over the stove know the gas had already been shut off  the kitchen sink, we had the turned the refrigerator on its side, now with water spraying from any place that had water flowing to it, we had left. Our quiet walk to my aunts house was soon interrupted by the phrase OH DAMN, I turned to my uncle and said what. He said that him and the uncle who lived at that house was going sell the fridge. Soon we started laughing.

Returning to my aunts we went upstairs and my uncle soon pulled out some more money for beer walking to the corner store expecting to get a case he had enough for a case and a small bottle of vodka, we then returned to my aunts to find the police there, as we entered the officer asked our names and as we answered my aunt spoke up and said they both destroyed my other brothers house now I want them arrested. As soon as I heard her say arrested I passed out from drinking so much falling so hard when I came to I was not only behind bars but also had a lump on my head the size of a softball. Of course the next day my parents were called I was released to them because I was a minor, and I lived in Sparta, Mi and told if I had come back Grand Rapids Mi, until the day I went to court I would have to stay in jail until court. Anyhow I never got word about a court date and over the next few month I continued to wonder about it Finally a year went by and I believe it was my mom I asked what ever came about with the situation, and her exact words were you got a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card. they have decided not to press charges for two reasons.
1. The house was scheduled to be demolished because it wasn’t safe for human occupancy
2. the wanted to convert the whole street in  that area into parking for what is now known as MEDICAL MILE.

Medical mileSo as I said to some it may sound like luck, or God didn’t get me out of jail,
BUT as I see it just because there was other plans for that property and the plan reason
that it was on safe for human inhabitant I could’ve still went to Jail.
This is the one time that God said you get out of jail free don’t push it

Overloaded and Cold Shouldered

A new beginning, I have started bible study with my two older children and wife, as we hold two Bible studies daily with my oldest Children as the leaders of the Studies, each one taking a class and teaching it. I thought this song is fitting for this post giving this credit where it is due back to the author of he posted in response to one of my recent posts and I felt compelled to respond. He knows all to well that I have had a ice cold heart when it comes to certain things I don’t show emotions of sorry at funerals. It wasn’t until I heard the songs on this post that all I could do was cry I had held so much pain and anger in my life that after this song[

Now with that being said it also went with the post that softened a heart that was so overloaded as a levy unable to opened yet unable to break, not even the slightest leak or puncture could be applied to it no matter how hard anyone tried. But it took among the a song I posted and the two songs that he posted this

which in itself had a huge impact on the prayer that I had wrote earlier in the day. Needless to say all three songs had finally made me cry so hard that after 15 minutes my eyes were so dry they were red from being blood shot. The next song had another totally different effect on my however it still had a remarkable direct impact towards my hardened heart and struggling life. The rainmaker for me, tear jerker whatever you want to call it. I have told my family that the last time I cried that hard was back in the mid nineties when my wife had just got the computer and was up all night on that, and even then it was about three minutes and that was it. The longest time I cried before this was after my wife had had her hysterectomy, the doctors had given her some patches to help with those mood swings, my daughter

thought that it would be funny to put it in my coffee pot, needless to say my emotions where all over the place crying but yet so mad not knowing why i was crying I was telling everyone to get out of my house and in NOT so nice of words either this was in 2007 I believe. But again that didn’t loosen the hardened heart. If anything I think it hardened it even more I had no clue what happened until the next morning when I went to make another pot of coffee and when I questioned each and every one of the Children I was told by each of them it was me. I knew it had to be one of them and the truth always comes out so I waited, and sure enough, it did slip later that it was my daughter, only to be confirmed by her husband after she got drunk one day and let it slip to him also. Now my son told me that once I did cry it was going to hit me like a brick, believe me I didn’t care how hard it hit, I just wanted it to hit and soon. I couldn’t hold the pain and sadness any more, my shoulders where already about to crush from all the weight being loaded and not unloaded, like a City Plow being loaded with salt or dirt for the icy roads, bucket after bucket being dumped. As I watched the videos It was like that same city plow as it went up and down the city streets spreading the its load to help with the ice, But as I got done with the whole post and hibernated to my room, that bucket had just dumped its’ whole load of salt and as it piled all in one spot I could feel the load on my shoulders getting lighter and lighter and as I sat up I could see the son shine through the window for the first time that day. I had recently been on my mail and seen this posted from one of my gmail friends.


Never looking at it that way, But I also have never looked at it the way many fathers have taught their sons that crying is for babies and for the weak, I have just ( some would say a person with no remorse). Myself I would just have to say I have been holding so much pain and anger that I can’t or wont show emotions. If I did it had to be a very painful situation and those such things haven’t happened as of yet.  All those I dearly Love are still alive.

What is it that you Wonder Part 2

Continued from Part 1what-is-it-that-you-wonder-part-1. As I left off I finally had proof that I needed. Not only was my rent money gone but, when I returned back to get the things I had left there, I had brought one of my sisters,her daughter and our youngest sister, to help with the move so we could get it done faster. As I neared the apartment door, I could smell the thick stench of cocaine coming from the apartment, knowing at the time when I left she didn’t have a job loosing hers, from the restaurant downtown before I left, so either she still had money from the rent that she took from me, was getting it from her mother or she had found a drug connection, and I don’t even want to say as to how she was going to pay it back, because I certainly wasn’t going to help.

But the only good thing I think that might have come out of it would have been the child she had from another man, which I was willing to take on as my own, she had told me and her mother that the father had been killed in California by a street gang, but as the day came closer it came out to me, that the child belonged to a black truck driver that she was with trying to get back home. Little did it matter to me, the thing that hurt the most was that she had lied in the first place and to keep her lie hidden from her mother she gave the child up for adoption. When the child was born we found out that it was a girl and had I been able to keep her, even if she didn’t want anything to do with her, she would have been the same age as my step daughter 

It would have been great to have another daughter however, along with that there would have been to other situations that would have to take place, Getting full custody which would take a major amount of money, which for me would be a problem, or allowing her visitation until I could prove she was unfit. I am sure most of you readers know the ins and outs of dealing with children and divorces, it is ten times more difficult when it comes to dealing with a child that does not belong to you. Now I continued to work at the restaurant and she always showed up, waiting for me to get of work, as I did I went down the back corridor and out the back door, because she no longer there she couldn’t go in the back halls. But she was persistent in her persiut, to get ahold of me.

One day while I was helping a friend set up his display of sewing machines at the local Sales depots where everything from Guns and knives, to boats and RVs, Cars and Trucks ect. I ran into my ex wife and her mother, she was looking around and her mother was working one of the concession booths. Then about three years ago an old friend of mine who knew both of us was driving for a pizza company that we had ordered pizza from and when he delivered the pizza he had told me that my ex had put a ten thousand dollar hit on my head.He had also told me that she was still hooked on Cocaine and Crystal Meth, I told him I left because she started doing cocaine and even stole the rent money for it but I didn’t know she was on Crystal Meth something she must have started after I left, I also told him to tell, her where I had lived, hadn’t heard nothing more about it. The last time I had seen her, I was in the basement and my wife of 19 years, started yelling for me when I got upstairs she said is that your first wife, I said yes. Now this was the first time my wife or son
had even seen my first wife. Needless to say, I have been with my second wife for almost 19 years, and after numerous churches I have started to really feel a pull on my heart and the pain is so heavy that it is weighing on me to write.

Part 3

A prayer from a hardened Heart :

A few days ago my heart became very heavy, I have been so saddened that my hardened heart was like a overloaded levy
Like trying to break a cement brick, not even a magician with his best trick,
Christ the maker of all Creation, Beauty and Nation,
I asked numerous times to unload this burden, all the pain and the hurtin,
My selfish act of wanted my desires, and questions answered, I knew by you I would not get pampered.
So I prayed this prayer

Heavenly Father,
I pray that I could be with you and although it isn’t my time I wonder what it is I’m still here for. I know also my role at this time is to be a good steward of my time here. As we learned today in our Bible study this is just our temporary home and we are here to take care of what you have asked of us. But there is something more, I am trying to do my best to care for my family and put them first in all aspects. I realize after being told and have time to ponder on the thought I can’t take care of others if I don’t take care of myself first, (I.E. Give my dinner to my children or wife and sometimes not eat just to make sure they were full), but as I grew up, I felt it was the only way I felt needed, My father was an OTR truck driver, step mother a plant worker, and Mom was either working a restaurant, factory, or other odd jobs, you know the rest. I was told by some that I was nothing but trouble or as my dad said all the beatings kept me out of jail, I was even told by my father when I moved out and in with my now second wife, That I was his piece of machinery, However you and I know it didn’t. The worse thing I did was hit my wife when she was pregnant for out now 13 year old son.By your Grace he is still with us and safe. However I am saddened that however I have never beat my son as I got beat by my father, My harsh tone and sergeant type attitude has made him bitter, towards me.
I just hope I have time to straighten his heart out before and his heart as hard as mine was

The anger I hold and although I see some changes in my life I still hold so much that I can’t even show the pain.Today I finally exposed my true feelings about what I go through when the seizures,and about how I feel like a burden,because I put the family so much trouble, even thing is put on hold hospital, trips for some and other plans have to be put on hold. Again as I expressed my sorrow for what I put the family through with my medical condition, I wanted to cry, but again as usual all I can do is tear for a couple of seconds. I want to feel the happiness and joy again Lord, it is no ones fault but my own, As far as the wonders dads situation I have now clue as to why I continue to help out I have tried to come up with reasons but they have come up unfounded. I have asked you numerous questions and as I have said I will not be pampered by you so I will leaves these Prayers in your hands and await your answers.

In Christ I Pray AMEN

What is it that you Wonder Part 1

Many people wonder who they are now and who they’ll be in the next year or so. I am wondering what has to change. Many people wonder where they are will be in two years. I ask, Am I even going to be alive tomorrow. As a 41 year old who as a boy used church as a way to get away from the Sunday morning beatings, I grew up going to various churches and yes learned a few things about Christ and the Greatest Gift, that was given to us for our sins. I have asked The Lord into my life over the years, but as I got older and the more I got out on my own I started to avoid church, started drinking, on Sundays’ instead of church I would sit at home or go visit friends and drink. I got married to my first wife when I was 18, although she never claimed to be a Christian she listened to Christian music such as,

She would also listen to your much more secular music which I am glad to say wouldn’t be the Running with The Devil by Van Halen, but others such as

My mother-in-law on the other hand was very devout, and the only music you heard her listen to was Christian music like

and the fact that her house was nowhere near a church and never having a drivers license, city bus didn’t run by her house on Sunday, she did daily bible studies in her front room. One day she asked me if i wanted to join her and I said with a hesitating voice yeaaahh, then as I sat down I began to question myself. Over and over What did I get myself into. Now having gone to churches of different denominations, I could hide amongst the other parishioners, or leave if I wanted to, (that’s only if I went by myself). However after sitting there reading the Bible and fifteen minutes went by I asked her, how long are we going to read, and she said to me oh you can stop any time, as for myself I read the whole chapter, I asked her why she does that and she replied by saying then I will do this and she pulled out a study guide. Well after I got done ready the whole chapter she asked me if I was going to also do the study guide and I said sure. We then as I found a place that I could afford and moved, which certainly stopped Bible study again and even though I was closer to numerous churches, I chose not to go. My drinking and lazy days were back, and I would rather do that, than have the responsibility of getting up on Sunday and going to church, Further more I didn’t have a Bible so Bible study at home wasn’t going to work either.

After three years, my then wife, had taken the rent money to by cocaine, well that was all I could take I wasn’t going to put up with this. I wasn’t even going to try to forgive her and work on coming up with the rent money again, I had my mind set that if she did it once she was just going to do it again. Needless to say there was noway I was going to be able to come up with $650.00 by the next day, let alone pay the lender back, when I returned home and heard her lies as to what happened to the money, I packed up what I needed and left. Going back to retrieve the remaining clothes five days later I knew what happened. My wife had turned into a cocaine addict,
I had my suspicions about this before I had even left but didn’t have the proof. When I returned I had all the proof I needed.

To be Continued